Some people swear there's no beauty left in the world. No magic.
Then how do you explain the entire world coming together on one night...
...to celebrate the hope of a new year?
Ready.
Pull!
Ease it off. Ease it. Gently.
Well done, boys. We'll pack up the tarp. Looks like it's gonna be a beautiful day.
Hello, Your Majesty. Ha-ha-ha.
We wanna see a show of strength...
...from the New York City Police Department.
Good morning, this is Ryan Seacrest here in New York...
...where the crowds of revelers are already beginning to arrive in Times Square.
I'll be coming at you all day on radio...
...and all night live from the center of it all, so bundle up and stay tuned.
Good morning, Claire! They need you up here for an interview.
This is Claire Morgan. She's in charge.
Mind giving us a sound bite for the newscast?
No, I'd be happy to.
I'm talking to Claire Morgan, the new vice president of the Times Square Alliance.
So big night.
Well, I'd say that's an understatement.
Over a billion people all over the world will have their eyes on us tonight...
...as the ball drops, so I'd say that qualifies as a very big night.
Am I looking in the right spot for camera?
Oh, um...
We're radio.
Right. Of course.
This is 14th and Park.
Oh! Oh! Uhh.
Are you all right, lady? Are you all right?
Here.
No, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Go away.
Yeah, what's up, girls? How you doing? All right?
Yo, I see you, player. Ha.
Oh, oh, hey, Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
Yeah, you too.
Sign this, but you can't check in until tonight.
No problem. We'll be back tonight.
- We're gonna win the money. - Oh, of course you are.
What money?
Oh, the first baby delivered in the new year at this hospital gets 25 grand.
No, no, no, honey. I think it's much less than that.
- No, it's 25 grand. - Twenty-five grand?
Honey, you're mistaken. It's much less.
Plus, after taxes and all the red tape, you end up with no money.
Did I mention the news cameras in your face right after giving birth?
That's horrible. It's not worth it at all.
It's 25 grand. They could put the camera in my hoo-ha and it'd be worth it.
In your hoo-ha!
In my hoo-ha. - Ha-ha-ha.
Mr. and Mrs. Byrne?
- That's us. - Right this way.
Come on, Grace. Let's go home.
Hmm.
Okay. Let's figure out how to induce.
- I will ask the Internet right now. - By command.
This could pay off my student loan.
Okay, honey, the hallway looks great. Very festive.
This could be a little higher. Hand me that tape.
Here you go. It looks beautiful. You did a nice job.
Why you volunteered to decorate the floor I'll never know, but it looks great.
Oh, hush up.
Come on, we gotta get dressed for work.
- Let's call in sick. - Mm.
- Hey, Paul. - My dog.
- What are we doing tonight? - You're working.
I'm not. So leave me alone.
Randy, listen to me, don't do this right now. Don't go into your black hole.
It's midnight on New Year's Eve.
We have to do something. Not an option.
What, are you still on this anti-New Year's kick, bro? Get over yourself. Now.
You know what? It's not a kick. It's a core tenet of my being.
Like I said, I get the day off...
...so I'm gonna hang in our apartment by myself and do nothing, and love it.
It's my job as your best friend to just ignore you right now...
...because you sound crazy.
I'm not being crazy!
Okay, I'm gonna find something so epic that you will not be able to say no.
Hmm.
I got a funny feeling, Paul, that I'm gonna say no.
You want to throw the challenge flag in my face? Okay. I'll call you back.
Save your minutes.
Now we're talking.
By the power vested in me by the state of Connecticut...
...Rory and Trish, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may give kisses to the missus.
My cousin will pay you.
Oh. Congratulations to both of you. That was just beautiful.
Thank you all for coming.
We wanted to save money for the honeymoon.
Well, you're the last of us, Sam.
Roam the plains of Manhattan and carry on the legacy of late-night barhopping...
...and casual sex with random women in good shoes.
- Which Rory will never know again. - Mm.
For better or worse, I can see why the man's crazy about you.
Aww.
I'm out of here.
- You can't stay for breakfast? - Rain check.
Office has been calling all morning. I really gotta get back.
- I got that big speech tonight. - What about the girl?
- What girl? - The one you met last New Year's Eve?
- Are you gonna meet her tonight? - It was a year ago. We've moved on.
Hey, look at you two.
All married.
- Here they come! - Congratulations!
No, no, no. These two. Here.
- All right. I'll see you. - Bye, Sam.
Hey, there's someone out there for you too, buddy.
All right.
Okay.
All right. Our first event with linen napkins.
Not only are we now eco-friendly, but this will be our biggest A-list party to date.
I know it's cold, okay? But we cannot mess this up. So you gotta focus.
- Where is Ava? - She thinks she saw a celebrity somewhere.
There's gonna be more celebrities here than rehab.
Okay, Sunil, make sure we have all the booze on this list.
Find Ava and then I'll meet you in the lobby after I scout the kitchen.
Ava! - Take a picture with the bus.
- I'm freaking out. - Ava, there is no time for freaking out.
I can't help it. Do you see that bus? I saw it when I went to his concert.
It's Jensen!
That's Jensen's bus?
The Jensen?
That's fantastic.
- I love it. - Aah!
- Ohh! - Yee!
Keep jumping!
You are very sexy, but don't stop.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad.
Jensen! Jensen! Jensen!
You know, I know him personally.
Everybody, let's get as much prep done in the kitchen as possible.
And any sauces that need to get done can start now.
And I'll check the deliveries up in the lobby. Oh.
Anyone who can, can you please help Sunil and Ava unload the truck? That'd be great.
Ay-ay-ay. Laura. You're not going to believe who is here.
Jensen.
How did you know? Are you psychotic?
It's "psychic." And do me a favor. If you see him...
...tell him to avoid the blond in the kitchen with the really big knife.
Ay, Laura, do you know him?
It's good to see you, Laura.
Are you still there?
Do you think Jensen will sign a banana? I don't have any paper.
All right. Working on those resolutions, huh?
- No. - Okay.
I have a delivery here for Mr. Jonathan Cox.
Do you work here?
No. I work for a courier service.
I've been delivering packages to you for about, I don't know, a year now.
But I think this is maybe the first time you've ever looked me in the eye.
How you doing?
Sorry.
That's actually an old resolution. Make more eye contact.
So those were New Year's resolutions, huh?
Looks like a long list. You better get on it.
I don't know, maybe next year.
Whoa. Jeez! Are you serious?
That is a hot ticket.
- Really? - It's amazing.
They have the best food, the best music.
They got so many single girls.
And it's a masquerade, so you don't even have to worry about their faces.
You kind of just use your imagination.
If anybody tries to kick you out, or even asks who you are...
...you just straight-up lie. What are they gonna do?
It's brilliant.
It's like Facebook, but real.
I remember who you are now.
Right, exactly.
Anyways, I would give my left...
Well, maybe next year.
Oh, there she is.
- You ready? - Let's go talk to them.
- Hey, Hailey. You good? - Yeah, we're good, Seth.
All right. Well, let's go, fellas.
We need to scout our pen on 54th and head home to gear up for tonight.
- I'm gonna see you there, right? - Yeah, definitely.
- Well, I'll see you there. - See you.
- Ooh. - You are so gonna kiss Seth tonight!
I really just, like, haven't even thought about it at all. It's no big deal.
Do you know how to kiss?
They have a video on the Internet that shows you.
Two. One for regular kissing, and one for passionate kissing.
All right, guys. Yeah, I know how to kiss, so it's fine. It's not a big deal. Okay, we...
Hey, what about your mom? What's she doing?
Got it!
Oh, and remember, it's just a quarter of an inch at the center back of the collar, okay?
Okay, let me take a look at that.
Kim, is that your New Year's dress?
Oh, it's just something I'm working on for a rainy day.
You should wear it tonight. Maybe you'll scare up a little action.
That's highly doubtful.
The only action I've got is Hailey and me watching the ball drop at midnight.
Last New Year's Eve she was with her father. So it's my turn.
- Wanna join us? - Wow, really tempting.
I don't think you understand. Hailey likes staying in with me.
All dancers on-stage! - Go.
- Thank you. Thank you. - You're welcome.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- New York. - New Rochelle.
- New Brunswick. - New York... New York City.
New Haven.
New Britain.
New Hartford.
New Jersey?
New York!
New York. Turn right.
Left for New York.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, my nose.
Airbags deployed.
The genny truck's not arrived yet.
Will someone tell me why it isn't here yet?
Make sure Jensen's on schedule for his soundcheck.
He's playing some party, but this is Times Square.
She's a little on edge today.
Ready for the confetti test.
Brendan.
Good to see you. I thought you were with your family.
I was, then I realized you wouldn't make it through the big night without me.
- Wow, I'm really touched. - Heh.
I'm trying not to say this, but if I screw up...
- You won't. - I don't know. I'm not off to a great start.
The generator truck is late.
I mugged for the camera during a radio interview. Can you believe it?
You'll make it happen.
And you'll make it on time for your meeting.
- We're not talking about my meeting. - And why not?
I should've never told you about that.
Look. Come here, lookit.
They're testing the confetti for tonight.
Don't just dump them!
Float them in the wind. It should be magical.
I'm so glad you're here.
Laura, I know you're upset. All right?
- Mr. Jensen, I play piano. - I just play.
Thank you, thank you.
- Laura, it's been a year already. - I have nothing to say to you, Daniel.
- "Daniel." - She knows Mr. Jensen.
Hello, secrets.
Look at me. Just look at me.
- That was quite a slap. - I've been plotting that slap all year.
How I would walk up to you when you least expect it...
...and slap you across the face for leaving me like that.
And you know what?
It wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be.
- Aah! - Ooh.
- That was closer. - We're just fooling around.
- I like fooling around too. - Come back.
I tried to call you. You never called me back.
I left you tickets, you never showed up. Talk to me, damn it.
- Just talk to me. - Just talk to him.
Because it's New Year's Eve, you want another shot at it?
You walked out on me, Daniel. I think that says it all.
I didn't even get to make you one dinner in that apartment.
You walked out before I unpacked the first bag of groceries.
Celebrities. They're just like us.
Mr. Cox? Is there a reason you asked me to work today?
- It's your job. - Of course.
It's just that it's New Year's Eve...
...and I thought maybe you wanted to give me my end-of-year bonus.
- Seeing that it's the end of the year. - Oh.
Right. Almost slipped my mind. Mm.
- Glad to remind you, sir. - Well, unfortunately...
...it has been a tough year for Ahern Records.
I don't have to tell you.
Music piracy, blah, blah, blah.
Have I got your name right?
Yes, it's just that I wanted to use my bonus to book a trip.
Well, that might get you to Staten Island.
Maybe next year.
It's just that I already booked my two weeks' vacation time.
Two weeks? Did I sign off?
You don't need to, sir. It goes through Human Resources.
No, it goes through me. And I can't do without you for two weeks.
You can have one week.
Well, then...
...I'll take two weeks...
...and my stapler.
I quit.
You can't quit, it's Grammy season!
I...
I almost died today, sir.
No, no. You look fine.
Can you get me a coffee?
Don't forget the sugar!
Come on, three stars! I need three stars!
Jonathan Cox's office. Please hold.
- Look out! - Oh, God. No, don't.
I have hated him for leaving me like that.
- No, don't do the egg. - Then he just shows up...
...on the biggest night of my career! What kind of karma is that? Huh?
What, that you made love with Jensen...
...or that you're catering the biggest party in the city?
Because all I'm hearing is good.
- Can I do one? - Yeah.
- The expensive eggs? - They feel good.
Oh.
Oh, that was so sissy.
I'm delicate girl.
Dr. Trokin to Radiation Therapy.
- Hey, doc. - Yes, Mr. Harris.
I haven't asked you for anything, have I?
No. No, you haven't.
No chemo...
...no radiation, nothing that could give you an extra couple of months.
So then you owe me one.
Sure, Mr. Harris. What do you need?
Did I tell you why I picked this hospital?
Because of the quality of the doctors?
The roof has a great view of the New Year's Eve ball drop in Times Square.
I heard you say I was living on borrowed time.
I don't recall telling you that.
I heard you tell the nurses.
I'm dying, I'm not deaf.
Well, you've certainly surprised us, Mr. Harris.
But be honest, there really isn't anyone we can notify? No one at all?
The only people who ever cared about me, I pissed off long ago. There's no one.
Doc, come on.
Call it a dying man's last wish.
Please, come on. I've been hanging on this long just so I can see the ball drop...
...one more time.
- You know, it's cold out there. - I'll live.
- You can see it much better on TV. - I don't wanna see it on TV, doc, please.
As much as I'd like to help you, it's against hospital policy to allow anyone on the roof.
Just forget it. Forget I asked.
- Okay. If there's anything else you need... - No, nothing.
- ...just have the nurses page me, okay? - Yeah.
Okay.
See if you can get him to eat something.
Did he change his mind?
Nope. No treatment, just palliative meds at this point.
- I guess it's time for hospice. - No time.
Well, is he gonna make it until tomorrow?
It's doubtful.
Another thing that chaps my ass about the holiday season is all the fake niceness.
Like, today I received 50 text messages...
...with a generic "Happy New Year"...
...from people who hit "send" to their address book.
Most of them I haven't heard from since last year. Call me back.
Oh, hey, hold the elevator.
- I'm going down. - Oh, wait, wait.
- Honestly... - Me too.
Yeah, I tore down the decorations.
According to the lease agreement, you're not supposed to decorate the hallways.
Not my decorations.
- Yep. - No, no, no. This can't be happening.
I have somewhere that I need to be.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
- Wait, this thing is dead! - It doesn't work.
Well, call the super.
He doesn't work either.
- No reception. - Oh, no.
Oh, you're the new girl from 5B.
Why aren't you more panicked right now?
Oh, I don't know. I don't really have anywhere to be.
Hello? Hello, this is 5B! This is 5B!
I'm stuck in this elevator!
I'm gonna be late for work.
False alarm, dear ones.
- But everything's okay, right? - Oh, everything looks very good.
Hmm...
We close both eyes so that we may see through the other.
Close them.
No.
Hmm. Labor could be any day now.
Any day?
Don't worry, I know you wanna have a very natural childbirth...
...no epidural, no pitocin, we're gonna use the hypnobirthing techniques.
We were actually just kind of wondering if we could schedule a C-section.
Just, you know, kind of get this show on the road, am I right?
- Yeah. - Uh, we were thinking, um...
...maybe tonight-ish.
Midnight-ish. Uh...
- Right? Griff, right? - Yeah.
We were both thinking that maybe tonight could work better.
- If we could do tonight that would be great. - Tonight?
Hmm.
You want me to come in on New Year's Eve at midnight and perform a C-section?
Is it New Year's?
- Oh, boy. Weird. - It is. Yeah.
- I completely just forgot. - I did too.
- I think with all this. - Pregnancy brain.
We were never really New Year's people. We're more Memorial Day people.
Let me be clear.
I will not schedule a C-section just so you can win some money.
The couple who was in here before offered to split the winnings with me.
And of course I said no.
Frankly, I'm surprised that you would even suggest this, Tess.
What if we went 60-40?
- Seventy-thirty. - Yeah.
You are dangerously close to a rectal exam.
Oh, that's not good.
Mom, I wanna go to Times Square to watch the ball drop.
Well, I plan to avoid this entire section of the city tonight.
Well, I don't want you to stay. I want you to go home.
- Ouch. - There's this guy in my history class.
His name is Seth, and I've been hoping...
I have this, like, sick dream that, you know, we'll get to hang out at midnight.
And then, of course, I'll come right home.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm just... I'm not comfortable allowing you to stay in Times Square at night alone.
- Period. - End of discussion, got it.
Sorry. Come on.
- You know, I'm 15! - I know, Hailey.
This is not a training bra!
And this is not Girls Gone Wild!
MY gosh.
Mom, you know, I'm an honors student, okay?
I don't drink or do drugs, and I'm trying really hard to be the perfect daughter.
- But it's like you don't trust me. - No, it's not you I don't trust.
Then who do you not trust, Mom? You don't trust the world?
Or is it just New York because it's a big scary city?
Have you ever been to Newark?
Look, Mom, the world doesn't scare me, okay? It's just getting good.
I wanna start living in it.
You used to.
Brady Finley in Times Square.
It's before noon and they're already predicting record-breaking crowds.
I'm with Miss Morgan. We're bringing the media to the roof.
Hey. You okay?
- Fine. - You're not afraid of heights, are you?
- A little. - Let me be accurate.
You're afraid of heights and you run the ball drop?
Well, I think it's what makes Claire the best for this job.
- Let's do that thing we worked out. - Yeah, let's do that.
- Officer Nolan. - Yes, sir.
Be careful here. This is precious cargo, all right?
Make a hole, people.
- Oh. - Oh, are we all getting picked up?
- Sure. - No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Okay.
I'm okay. Ha-ha.
Okay. Where were we?
Uh... Oh, the ball.
Since 1907 there's been a Times Square ball drop.
The first ball was made of wood and iron...
...and had only 100 25-watt light bulbs.
Okay. Let's light this baby up.
Ready?
- Oh. - Hey!
- It worked! - Beautiful.
Okay, so this evening we are gonna raise this ball to the very top of the pole...
...where it will stay until 11:59.
And then the countdown begins.
Can you fix it? - No. And don't you want to know why?
Because the complicated machine behind me isn't called a fix truck.
It's called a tow truck.
That means I put the big hook under the broken car and take it anywhere you want.
- Which is where? - New York City.
No again.
Not today and not me. I've got big plans with my lady friend tonight.
Sign there.
Can you at least tow it to a mechanic nearby, please?
Nearest mechanic is 10 minutes away.
- Whatever, that's perfect. - Let me finish.
He's 10 minutes away, but he's closed today. Everyone's closed today.
I guess you know since you're dressed like Penn & Teller.
As far as the car goes, you're SOL...
...which means "something out of luck," but I don't curse.
I can't be SOL. I've got a big speech at the company party tonight, okay?
This is very important.
- I've got something important too. - Like what?
Me and my girl are gonna crush a 12-pack and watch porn.
- Ms. Withers? - Oh.
Did you call in a delivery of something?
- Ingrid. - Ingrid.
And actually...
...I'm your next job.
I bought you for the day.
Bought me for the day, huh?
Oh, Ms. Withers. I think I should be offended, but I'm just too intrigued.
My New Year's resolutions.
Mm-hm.
I just took care of the first one.
You quit your job?
- All right. - If you make these come true by midnight...
...you get these.
For me?
Holy sh...
Whoa. Whoa, okay. Put these down. Don't flash those around.
Everybody can see them. Seriously.
You called the right guy. I'm in. Let me see number two.
What is it? Whew.
"Go to Bali. Breakfast at Tiffany's."
You wanna save a life.
Are you kidding me?
Impossible. I don't understand what you're talking about.
I don't understand what you want me to do here.
Use your imagination.
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
You know, you don't have to sit like that.
You can put your legs around me, or you can hold onto me.
No, I'm okay.
All right.
Señor Jensen, I'm here.
And I brought you some enchiladas. They're very spicy.
Thank you.
Listen, Ava, I was hoping maybe you could help me out.
What is it? Is it writer's block?
Because if it is, I've been jotting down these lyrics.
They're in Spanish now, but I can translate them.
Come, come. Come here. No, not like that. Really. Just...
Help me convince Laura that I made a mistake.
- When? - It was last New Year's Eve.
What did you do to her?
Nothing. I asked her to marry me.
That's beautiful.
But then I got cold feet. I wasn't ready for it.
That's horrible.
You were the one who proposed.
In my country when a man gets down on one knee...
...it's because he wants to get married or he's been shot.
Sometimes it's been because of both.
No, no. It's just that it all came at me too fast and I wasn't ready for it.
I had to go back on the road, and I just didn't wanna deal with it.
You should have talked to her. That's what women like. We like to talk.
I tried. I just can't get a word in edgewise between slaps.
Do you want to know what I think?
Well, I sure would.
Ay. Hi, Laura.
This is not what it looks like. No.
- No? - No.
It's not my ex-boyfriend telling our whole sad saga to my new sous-chef?
Yeah, pretty much that's what it is.
Uh-huh.
- Be strong. - Mm.
- Hold your ground. - Yes.
But don't look into his eyes because they're beautiful. He has, like, a blue...
Bye.
Truce?
Truce.
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Done.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Take a New York taxi ride with no traffic.
Done.
Did you hear the new record?
No.
Yeah.
What'd you think?
Ugh. You know, I wanted to hate it. I really did. But I loved it.
I thought it was great.
Except for the picture you chose for the cover.
It was a little too much bronzer.
Well, as always, I could've used your help.
I'm a little overwhelmed and frazzled by this job tonight...
...so I apologize for slapping you.
The second time.
I'm sorry I ran, Laura.
Oh, Daniel.
You sprinted.
I mean...
Laura, can I see you?
I gotta get back to work, focus on tonight.
What about tomorrow?
We're going back on tour and I'd love it if you'd come with me.
We could fix this.
Yeah, sure. I'll go pack a bag. Meet you at the bus?
Come on.
I can't go back on tour with you. I did your life. I have a life too.
You really don't get it, do you?
What's there to get?
I'm ready to commit.
I'm ready.
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
I'm ready to commit to what I really love:
My work.
I can't do this again with you, Daniel.
Nope. Still no reception.
So how can you have nowhere to be?
Isn't it obvious? New Year's is the worst night to go out. It's total amateur night.
People who don't drink or go nuts all year suddenly going all Kanye on you.
It's like a war zone.
Because they have something to be excited about.
I have something to be excited about.
Oh, oh, oh.
Who were you gonna kiss at midnight?
Oh. And then it's one big giant letdown.
See, that's the problem with New Year's.
Everybody builds up such high expectation that they're inevitably, utterly disappointed.
Hey, can you get through that ceiling hatch?
I am not Spider-Man.
Clearly. Clearly.
If I just climb right through there, get out that window.
And we're gonna be out of here. I am gonna do it.
Lift me up. Lift me up. I don't have all day.
There you go. - Oh.
It's a lock.
Oh, I have a nail file. I'll file it with my nail file.
I'll file through it.
Ugh. You're a groupie?
Put me down.
I got hats and horns and hazarai. I got streamers...
- Hey, Marvin. Hi. Happy New Year. - Hey, Kim.
- Mom, can I go tell my friends? - Sure, yeah.
Go ahead.
So Hailey and I are having a party tonight.
Hey, wait up.
- Hey. Um... - Hey.
I can't come.
What? Hailey, what do you mean? Half the history class is going.
- I know. It's just my mom won't let me. - You serious?
I know. I sound like I'm 12, I know.
All right, where's your mom? Maybe I...
- Hi. Hi, Mrs. Doyle. - Hi.
You look lovely today.
You seem like a nice boy. I'm just not comfortable with Hailey...
...spending tonight in Times Square unsupervised.
Right. With all due respect...
supervision is for kids, you know? We're young adults.
Who are you calling?
- You're Rose Anderson's son, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, we serve together on your school's academic booster club.
Oh. You know, I think she left her cell phone at home. She gonna go out tonight.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Okay.
Happy New Year.
Yeah. Happy New Year.
You wanna say goodbye?
So?
Hailey, I tried. But she fights dirty.
Yeah, I know. Welcome to my life.
- Bye. - Bye.
Ladies, let's go. Yo. Ladies, let's roll out!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
What is this neighborhood? Is it safe?
Give it a chance.
"Give Paul a chance."
I don't like it here.
Maybe this is a really bad idea. I'll just give you the tickets.
Give Paul a chance.
Just give me a chance and I'll show you.
What I can do.
Ingrid Withers...
...go to Bali.
It's Bali.
It's Brooklyn.
It's a spa.
Thank you.
I'm sorry. We really can't take you this early yet.
Dr. Morriset says that you're not ready. You'll have to come back in a few hours.
We may not have been ready, but now she's eating anchovies...
...which the Internet claims induce labor.
If only you can keep it down.
Yeah, but it really doesn't go that fast.
- No. I can't do it. I can't do it. - Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I tried. I can't do it any more.
You need a breath mint.
Hey, Risa. So we are ready to check in now.
They're checking in?
Hey. Good to see you again.
You must be joking, because inside I'm laughing really, really hard.
You really think you can come into this at the last minute and steal our money?
I'm sorry, are you being serious?
You are even a bigger numbnuts than you look.
This little fish won't save you.
You probably don't even know that yams can kick-start labor.
Well, yeah, actually, we do.
In fact, at this moment, my wife is full of yams, but thank you.
Crammed with yams.
Snap. It doesn't.
It stops pre-term labor.
- Did he just snap me in a maternity ward? - Yes.
You're a really hostile guy.
Where do you work, the DMV?
No, I run a charm school.
Oh, yeah? Where's your charm school, Guantanamo?
It's on 48th and Madison, you should come by.
Because you could really use some charm.
- He actually works at a charm school. - No way.
Ah. Prince of Charming.
Hello, vision in pink.
Can we check in now?
Well, actually, the ultrasound says it's a no.
She's not ready either, so you'll all have to come back later.
I'm sorry, James.
It's not your fault.
- I'm sorry too. - Right.
- Also, it's on now, Prince Charming. Yeah. - You bet.
What are you doing, honey?
Oh, it's on.
- I'm sorry? - Oh, no.
What's on?
Oh, yeah, this?
- It's on. - Come on. Let's go, honey.
Nobody wins when pregnant women fight. Come on. Come on.
Something's on. Heh-heh.
I know you gave up your own plans tonight just to be with me.
I can't become your everything, Mom. Please don't become a Piper's mom.
A what? "A Piper's mom"?
What, you mean like Joanna?
Yes, Piper's mom. She hides in the bushes every day...
...just to make sure that Piper goes to school. It's nuts.
- Come on. I'm not that bad. - Mom, you've stopped trying.
You're being clingy and mean, because you don't have a man in your life.
You really gotta find somebody.
Look, Mom, you're a hot woman.
If you'd just, you know, lose the clogs, maybe?
I'm sorry, but I am trying. And I would like you to try.
Just have our New Year's party.
- And toot-toot, Happy New Year! - Okay. Mom! Mom! No more.
I'm over it.
I'm over it and I'm over you.
Why are we at the church? You were supposed to take me to the rental car shop!
Hey, James Bond, I need one more signature.
For what?! What am I even signing for?
So you can get your car back. Right there. Initials.
Keep the pen, it's got my name on it.
Didn't I tell you that all the rental places close at 3?
I've got you covered. There's your ride right there. Hey, Edwin.
Hey, Harley. Hey, Sam.
Hey, he's the pastor.
Yeah, that's right. It's the earmuffs.
- So my cousin here tells me you need a lift. - Cousin?
I'm taking my wife and kids to see the Radio City Rockettes. We do it every New Year's.
Ever seen the Rockettes? Tch-tch.
Happy to give you a lift. You want to pitch in for gas?
- Hell, yeah. I'll pay for all the gas. - Don't say "hell," he's a pastor.
Show him the book.
Give me my pen back.
I'll never understand people with hair.
Thank you, Harley.
There she is.
How much gas are we talking about?
What's your credit-card limit?
ICU, how can I help you?
Hi, Mr. Harris.
How you doing today?
Right.
You've been here for weeks. First no radiation, now no chemo. Why?
What's the difference, you know? Why delay the inevitable? I don't know.
When I was a photographer in Vietnam, I'd see death all the time.
Nothing prepared me for this.
I promise I'm gonna make you as comfortable as I can, okay?
Just get me to midnight and we're even.
Okay.
I'll be back.
Honey? I've been thinking.
Hailey?
I fought so hard for custody.
Hey, I got hats here! What do you need? Yo! Scarves, hats!
Happy New Year! Here, pick a hat. Go ahead.
Keep walking, then. Go ahead.
Marvin! - Kim!
- Hailey! - Up.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, yo. Happy New Year!
Poppers, streamers, horns!
Hailey!
Calling you.
Hey, it's Hailey.
Leave me a message and I'll try and get back to you.
I think she decided.
- You got a hat. - You got a dog.
Oh, it's a big responsibility.
Yeah, but you gotta give it a chance. Give it a chance, right?
We'll give him his shots. You can pick him up Monday.
Or you can wait and think about it.
No.
- I'm done waiting. - Yeah!
We're gonna make each other very happy. Aren't we?
What are we gonna name him?
- Um... - Something manly like Kong.
How about Mr. Snugglepuss?
"Snugglepuss"? You can decide on a name later.
Anyways, look what you just did.
Saved a life. Check.
Take a trip around the world.
It's a bit of a cheat. But check.
It's 6:00 here in Times Square.
And now to host tonight's festivities, Mr. New Year's Eve himself:
Ryan Seacrest!
Thank you very much.
Hello, New York City!
I'm Ryan Seacrest.
Are you ready to see the Times Square ball being raised?
We've been joined by several members of the Times Square Alliance...
...as they get ready for the ball drop.
I know you're nervous, but you have to look up, Jeffrey.
Here we go!
Uh-oh.
That's not supposed to happen.
Sorry, friends, we have a bit of a hiccup here.
We'll just sort that out, no problem.
Stay with us, we'll be right back, okay?
We will have it up and running momentarily, right?
Yeah. It's... There's...
- Please? Please. - Yes.
I'm starting to feel a little bit of pressure. Pressure's not great to feel.
And it messes with my hair. And I need my hair to be up. Like the ball.
Go, guys, go. We gotta fix this by midnight. Go, go, go.
Whew. This would never have happened to Dick Clark.
- Can't you show me one special trick? - I'm not a magician.
- Okay? - Are you in the Secret Service, mister?
Duncan.
So, what's the speech about, Sam?
Like I said, I haven't even written it yet.
I guess I'm still looking for the inspiration.
What inspires you, Sam?
- Pizza. - Excellent.
Sweet.
Okay, thanks.
Welcome to the Queens Museum...
...featuring the New York City miniatures depicting all five boroughs.
Walk all five boroughs in one day.
Crossing that off the list.
Yo, Randy, I know you said you didn't wanna come out tonight, but listen.
I made a deal with this lady for four tickets to Ahern's VIP party.
I don't know what her deal is, man. She's just...
...like, a couple sandwiches short of a picnic. You know?
Like a little bit pathetic. In, like, a cute way.
So, dude, please, please call me back, bro.
I need you. I need my wingman at this party. Hit me back, bro.
Okay. All right, next up...
...is to be amazed.
Which is very vague.
I will be amazed if I can come up with something. But I will.
I don't wanna do this any more.
What are you talking about?
I'm pathetic...
...dude.
Hey.
Wait, where are you going?
Staten Island.
- Miss Morgan, we're not sure what's wrong. - How long will it take to be sure?
I don't know. A couple minutes, a couple hours, maybe more.
We don't have a couple of hours. We only have midnight.
I have one job tonight. To make sure...
...even if I have to do it with my own two hands, that ball descends at midnight.
You can't move midnight.
Why are you looking at your shoes? You're not telling me something.
What are you not telling me?
We need Kominsky.
The Kominsky?
Tess?
Tess? You in the bathroom?
What are you doing?
Yoga. It's supposed to help.
I'm no expert, but seems like that would send the baby in the wrong direction.
Let me help you.
Oh...
- Did you get it? - Yeah.
And I got a discount with my vet school ID.
You'll make such a good veterinarian someday.
Thanks. And if you were a horse, I'd know what to do.
Of course, if you were a horse, we'd never get invited to dinner parties...
- ...and I'd be married to a horse. - Ha-ha-ha.
This smells awful.
- Drink it. - Mm-mm.
What? It's castor oil.
Mary Poppins swore by this.
Mary Poppins also danced with cartoon penguins.
You first.
You're a coward.
- Mm. Mm. - Hmm. I'm sensing a thumbs down.
Ugh. Mary Poppins sucks.
Well, you forgot about the spoonful of sugar. Ooh.
- What was that? - What was what?
Oh, my gosh. My water broke.
- All of it? - Oh.
Well, what do you think?
Well, that's too early. Can you turn it off?
- And how do you suggest I do that? - Yoga?
Get upside down. You can do a downward dog or an upward dog. Do one of the dogs.
- Okay, we need to pack! - We have packed.
- Okay, calm. - Taxi!
- I don't think we're gonna get one up here. - Right, we gotta go where the cars live.
- Pants, I need pants. - Okay.
These are your pants.
Give me the cute pink ones.
Don't throw them at me.
Okay, so I'll meet you there?
You should come with me.
- We should both go. - Oh...
Lady with a baby coming through.
Taxi! Pregnant! Taxi!
Okay. Want me to help?
Honey, I spent my whole life living in New York City.
I think I know how to get a taxicab.
- Yeah. - No! No!
Hah. Good job, homeboy.
All right. Plan B. Hold this.
- Ch!
Be here now.
Taxi!
You're doing great, honey.
- You're doing great. - Oh!
Can't we pedal faster?
- Hey, buddy, can you go a little faster? - This is my faster.
Haven't you been here all day?
- When do you go home? - Just before midnight.
Ah.
You know what, I don't care about all that hoopla and stuff anyway.
So no big plans? A party or...?
Nope.
No hot date? Pretty girl like you.
Well...
...maybe.
But right now you're my hot date.
- Why? - Pardon me?
Why would you wanna be nice to me?
I'm an ass.
I spent my entire whole life being an ass.
And I don't know how to stop.
Well, you know what, Stan?
Maybe being an ass is the reason you've gotten every single thing you ever wanted.
Not everything.
I'm sorry I called you a groupie.
We're stuck in an elevator together. You're not gonna talk to me at all?
Fine. We can talk.
But as long as we're making assumptions about each other...
...why don't I give it a shot?
You grew up in suburban fill-in-the-blank.
You went to la-di-da liberal-arts school.
You didn't have enough drive to get a real job...
...and then you grew half a beard...
...and moved to Manhattan on your grandmother's inheritance.
And now you think that just because you moved somewhere that makes you cool...
...but the truth is, is that it doesn't. Okay?
Because you're just some wannabe hipster who judges everything...
...because you're too scared to take a chance on anything.
And, you know, my guess is that this whole hatred for New Year's...
...comes from some boring-as-hell prom queen...
...who broke your heart on New Year's Eve in high school. So, what, am I close?
Suburban Maryland.
Tufts University.
And I am a comic-book artist.
You draw?
I illustrate.
And it was in college...
...when she broke it.
And this beard took me like a year to grow.
Cold coffee?
Last year there were so many speeches, I had to get outside.
So I actually went out and got a pizza. Heh.
Did anything else happen?
Oh, my. Something else did happen, didn't it?
- Yes. - Is it R-rated?
Dad.
- I met a woman... - Oh.
...and she was extraordinary.
It's gonna have a goosebump ending.
Take your time telling it, because here comes the traffic.
Extraordinary build, huh?
I have to get to this party.
Welcome to the Brooklyn Museum and the Ahern party. Please pull right up, sir.
Put on 'em ball When they sleep at the Macy's.
Penny. Penny. Just quick one picture. Right over here!
Tied over money like Seacrest Put it on my life, baby.
I can make you feel right, baby.
- Excuse me. - Excuse me.
But I might drink a little bit More than I should tonight.
And I might take you home with me If I could tonight.
You're an actress, right?
Yeah. I've played a nurse, a cop, a teacher.
How about playing a waitress and getting me a drink?
Go ahead. Scoot, scoot.
And now, your hostess...
...the president of Ahern Records, Mrs. Rose Ahern.
Welcome to the Ahern Records Masked Ball.
What better way to end this year, both good and bad...
...than with the very, very best...
...and you all know exactly who I'm talking about.
So I'll simply say that coming up on this stage very soon...
...one of the hottest names Jensen!
I went to Juilliard...
...and I am a backup singer.
Not a back-of-the-tour-bus groupie.
- Randy, a.k.a. Mr. Moron. - Heh.
- How long you been a backup singer? - Too long.
Oh, I just got hired for tonight...
...but I was hoping that he would ask me to go on tour with him. But...
You could sing something for me.
Oh, no. Ha-ha-ha. No.
The only time that I do performances for audiences of one is when I'm in the shower.
- Well, you... - Don't say anything.
Anxiety is now the prevailing mood here at One Times Square.
The ball is still in a state of stuck.
...As officials await the arrival of electrical whiz Lester Kominsky.
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish. I'm from Ohio.
- Your coffee. - Thank you.
The eagle has landed. - Kominsky's here.
Make a hole, people. Move.
Kominsky.
I'm Claire Morgan.
Oh, no. Kominsky.
- Kominsky's here, yes. - Yes.
Oh. Thank you so much for coming.
Yes, it's good.
- You fire me. - No, no. No, that was someone else. No.
So, what do you think it is?
- Short. - What's short?
A short in the ball.
You got it.
- Sounds pretty straightforward. - Mm-hm.
Easy to fix.
- Then you fix. - No.
Not so easy.
This ball has 3500 lighting clues.
Cues. He means cues.
You have to find the light that went out in over 3000?
- Mm-hm. - Wh...?
Have we not progressed past the Christmas lights that go out if there's one bad one?
My question also and then I get fired, so that's all.
Oh, wait. We need you.
I need you.
Okay. Then I go visit my ball on the roof. And...
These TV peoples here?
- Yes. - Oh.
Here.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Good. Thank you.
Please enjoy our New Year's Eve entertainment...
...as we go to Ginger Adams and some young revelers in the 54th Street pen.
Ginger.
This little boy is lost. Go with the nice lady.
- What's your name? - Scott. I can't find my mom.
Whoa! Who lost this kid?
I did, I did.
I'm coming, Mom.
- I got him. - Take it easy.
- Be careful. - Whoa, thattaboy.
Watch it!
Mom, look at me.
I got him. I got him.
Hey, is she here?
I haven't seen Piper's mom, but I know she's around here somewhere.
- Who are you gonna kiss at midnight? - You, baby.
I'm flattered, but I'm also spoken for.
We now go live to New Year's headquarters for an update on the situation.
Hello, I'm Claire Morgan of the Times Square Alliance...
...and, as you all can see...
...the ball has stopped halfway to its perch.
It's suspended there to remind us...
...before we pop the champagne and celebrate the new year...
...to stop...
...and reflect on the year that has gone by.
To remember both our triumphs and our missteps.
Our promises made and broken.
The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures...
...or closed ourself down for fear of getting hurt.
Because that's what New Year's is all about.
Getting another chance.
A chance to forgive.
To do better, to do more, to give more, to love more.
And to stop worrying about "what if"...
...and start embracing what will be.
So when that ball drops at midnight...
...and it will drop...
...let's remember to be nice to each other.
Kind to each other.
And not just tonight, but all year long.
Thank you.
I want to hear the rest of your story.
We talked for... It felt like hours.
- You boink her? - Dad.
- You're talking to a man in a tuxedo. - I can't talk like that in front of a lady.
- He's a gentleman. - We talked, all right?
I went on and on about the business and how our stock had just gone public.
She stops me, she puts her hand over mine and she says:
"That's all great, but how's your heart?"
"How's your he...?" Who says that?
- I mean, I never met anyone that said that... - Please. Please.
Did you at least kiss her?
Yes. At midnight.
And that's it?
Well, I went to the restroom a little bit later and when I came back...
- ...she was gone. - Oh.
- She left something on the table. - Naked picture?
Let me see.
Read it out loud, Maude.
"Things are complicated.
If you're still thinking about me in a year...
...meet me back here at La Gambina Trattoria...
- ...at midnight next New Year's Eve." - Midnight next New Year's Eve.
You memorized it.